New purpose

I'm falling down into the same trap. Which is for many many times I thought money is the only one. Where am I right now. Just think about money is not making you grown up. You're still here on the same condition, scarcity. I know it's still in Allah's decree. But it's not my point. I referred to self-contentment. Self-satisfaction. The thing that I shoup put on my purpose to achieve. And now I get it. The core is not about material things, yet it's nothing other than valuable things. 

I had stopped being over thought about money. From now on I change my perspective on it, which I really pursue how do I get more valuable, giving a lot of benefits in this life, either for my family and others generally. How can I deliver a ton of values so that I can achieve the quality of life. I believed that money would follow you if you put yourself in the prestigious position, it's exactly be more valuable for people's life. 

The things that I want to pursue to be good. 

English teacher, soft daee, public speaker, sales person, communication, Arabic, being a good son for may parents, being good also for my siblings and people generally, traveler, a good father and husband. 

I'd promised, from tomorrow I'd just like to focus on some higher things other than money. I'm done with it. I'm burnt out. 

I should really focus on how do I become a helper for people who wants to improve their English skill, how to love myself abundantly. How to trust myself independently. How do I be a good to Allah. How do I stop complaining in the hardship. How do I serve my mom and my family. 

I'm done with money. I'm done with money. I just want to help people. I would come along with mission to help people achieve what they want. I really want to make people easy and strengthen them to accomplish what they desire for. 

I'm doing what I love then love people as much as possible as I can. 

Keep Being grateful at whatever condition that you're in. Sometimes life is really hard but not for forever. If you want to compare how much hardship did get through with how much ease did you get, of course it's not coming close to comparable. 

Self-affirmative

I'm grateful to Allah for all the things he had given to me. I thank to Allah for water, food, air, humble abode place to live, eemaan, healthy and alive. I'm grateful to Allah even until now I'm still survived. I'm grateful to Allah I still can do my fasting in the month of Ramadan. I would thankful to Allah He had provided me food for breaking fast as free. I'm thankful to Allah knowing that I still have connection with some friends. I'm grateful to Allah He kept my parents protect them in good care. I grateful to Allah for Phone and Internet access because these things help me out a lot especially in learning. I'm grateful to Allah for some ayah of the quran that I had memorized. I'm grateful to Allah I'm still passionate to figure out and learn how to improve myself. I really thank to Allah for character and self-uniqness, these exactly separate me from what others have. 

I'm worthy of love and belonging. I'm fully compassionate upon people. I love myself the way I am. I respect my decision even sometimes that's gone arbitrary. I deserve to be loved and respected. I'm worthy of acceptance. I'm caring about people. I really want to learn to be better and better again. 

I had promised that I'm not going to blame circumstances. I won't complain about anything what happens. I pull up in complacency. Self-fulfillment. Self-acceptance. 

Currently I landed in a new environment. People are kind of different, they're not in the way that I always expect to be. Basically I got traumatized living in such that environment, especially got bullying when I was in the school, it gets me in the way. But it's ok! I would experience through shaming state. I will accept that I'm not perfect but again I'm worthy of love and belonging. 

Now I don't really care about how should I look like, struggling to beautify your words when you speak up. I'm done. Finish!

I'm imperfect and I really respect myself, whatever what happens, I would accept them

Keep Being Grateful

Alhamdulillah o Allah, for everything You had given to me. Alhamdulillah o Allah for health and life. O Allah I'm grateful, I'm still able to fast for today. O Allah I'm grateful that I still have a humble place to abide. O Allah I really thank to You for water and air you have provided in this life. O Allah I'm grateful knowing my organs still in the well-function. O Allah I'm grateful knowing until right now I still survive. O Allah I'm grateful to You, you're always good and I'm a sinner. O Allah I'm grateful for food that I had consumed in every time I break the fast. O Allah I'm grateful for job and Rp. 20.000 income that I can get in daily. O Allah I'm so thankful to You for all the things that I had accomplished in this life. O Allah I really thank to You for all of kindness, blessings, bounties that I'm not able to count on them. O Allah, make me a good human being, make me a person who give lots of benefits for others, make me a person who have a good career.

Gratitude Can Change Your Attitude

I'm grateful to Allah for everything that He had given to me. I'm grateful to Allah for water, air, the access of Internet, a rent place to abide, bathroom, closet, healthiness, get alive, still having well functional organs of my body, still being trusted by some people around me, relation, knowing that my parents still alive and they are healthy, I still have a chance of fasting in the month of Ramadan, the hand phone so I can seek out the knowledge with it, free4talk to practice my English, I still can go out to the mosque to perform Taraweeh, I can still help out my friend selling some snacks, writing on my blogs, learning the new things, reciting and memorizing quran, getting insight to be more appreciated to Allah, get mindfulness, stop ranting, raving and complaining to Allah, being grateful all the time. I thankful to Allah that I'm still able to have income to fulfill my needs, daily needs. I'm grateful to Allah for all the things I had achieved in this world. 

I pray to Allah hope He increases more blessings and bounties to me, He gets all of my affairs easy so I can get them through. 

O Allah, I accept the reality of Your wills, I believe all the things happen because of You had decreed. O Allah, I'm willing to be the one who can appreciate to You in all time. I also want to be more optimistic, eager, having no gaps to ranting and raving, instead always be happy to dig up what is the best potential of me, how I can really serve and help people, how do I love people more, how do I be more productive more and more. 

Be Grateful In Every Day

I'm so grateful to Allah, it is should be appreciated more knowing that my parents still alive. Alhamdulillah o Allah, I'm still alive and healthy. Alhamdulillah o Allah, I still have a moment of fasting in the month of Ramadan. Alhamdulillah o Allah I'm still have a place to abide. I'm grateful to Allah for every moment that He had given to me. I love Allah. I didn't hate Him. I'm grateful for water and air, I'm grateful for understanding of English while people keep struggling with that. I'm grateful I can write and read. I'm grateful I've got mental health. I'm thankful to Allah for knowledge that I have right now. I'm grateful to Allah for the time and chances that I have. I'm grateful to Allah for having the phone. I thankful to Allah for food that He provides. I'm so grateful to Allah that now I always make some things of gratitude on my note. I'm grateful to Allah for eyes that He had given to me. I'm grateful to Allah for every day knowing that I can survive. I'm thankful to Allah that I'm still eager to make improvement. I thankful to Allah that I'm still willing and really obsessed in memorizing quran. I'm grateful to Allah for everything that He had given to me. I'm grateful to Allah for Rp. 10.000 on my pocket. I'm grateful to Allah for Rp. 20.000 income which I can get every day. I'm grateful to Allah knowing today I was eating food without having charged. I'm grateful to Allah knowing that I still have people around me and they still trust me. I'm grateful to Allah because every day I could step out of my house to go to the mosque to perform Taraweeh. I'm grateful to Allah because finally I quit my boring job which I've been really craving to detach off since along time. I'm so grateful to Allah for the access of Internet, with it I can learn and improve my knowledge. I thankful to Allah for Legs, hand, eyes, nose, teeth, senses, brain, nerve, hearing, seeing, smelling, sniffing, alhamdulillah for everything o Allah. O Allah I'm really thankful to You for every decision upon me, I accepted, I know you have a good plan, I know You love me more than I can think of, or more than I can realize. I believe Your plan is always amazing. Your plan is always out of the box. O Allah, I promise You, I would never complain about anything what happens in my life. I would stop ranting and backbiting, I would be grateful all the time. I would write down grateful list every day. Whenever I feel bad, I would counter with making grateful list. I promise You, I'd rather focus on self-develeping but my core keeps being grateful. Gratitude should be fundamental. 

Being Grateful Tirelessly

I'm grateful to Allah for water and air I can still consume. I'm thankful to Allah for everything that He has given to me. Alhamdulillah for place which I can take it as a rest place. Thank Allah for foods you had provided me, until now I'm still survived. Thank o Allah for my healthiness, I can still do what I should do this life. Thank o Allah for Rp. 20.000 that potentially I can take. I'm grateful to Allah for life and in fact I'm still alive until right now. O Allah thanks for everything that You had given to me. O Allah I'm so grateful, knowing that I'm still able to go to the mosque to perform Taraweeh. O Allah thanks for all the things of the countless blessings and bounties You had granted to my life. O Allah thanks for English Understanding You had given to me, so with that I could learn a lot, especially Lerning my religion. O Allah I'm really thankful to You, in fact that my sights still work and my hearing as well. My legs still in a good function. My hands still in the good function. I'm grateful to Allah for everything that He had given to me. Thank O Allah for clothes which I can take to wear. Thank o Allah for the chance of fasting in the month of Ramadan. O Allah I'm so grateful because I have to count on all of blessings, I can't enumerate them. O Allah I'm grateful to You about all the things You had decreed that it should've been. O Allah I want to thank to You, my life is colorful. O Allah you're The Greatest. You're The All Hearing. You're The All Seing. 

Being Grateful

Alhamdulillah I'm still alive. Tsumma Alhamdulillah I'm still available to access Internet. Alhamdulillah I'm healthy. Alhamdulillah I still have place to abide. Alhamdulillah I'm still fasting in this month of Ramadan. Alhamdulillah I still have water and the air is still available to be inhaled. Alhamdulillah I still have the income Rp. 20.000 a day. Alhamdulillah my sight still works. Alhamdulillah my Legs still in well function. Alhamdulillah my organs and senses still getting well. Alhamdulillah I had paid out the rent house for this month. Alhamdulillah I understand English. Alhamdulillah I'm a straight men. Alhamdulillah for everything had been given to me. Alhamdulillah for the bed so I can lay down thereof. Alhamdulillah for everything had been given to me. Alhamdulillah tsumma alhamdulillah my teeth still works. I'm grateful to Allah, my ears and nose still work. I'm thankful to Allah that my parents still alive. I'm thankful to Allah for clothes I can wear thereof. I'm grateful to Allah for everything had been given to me. I really thank to Allah for everything. 

The Expression of Gratitude

I really want to become a grateful person whatever happens to me. I noticed that I really lack of gratitude, I always complain and rant the things that I should not appreciate, however it is only my feeling towards that which is not 100% true of the reality. 

I had learnt how gratitude can diminish stress and ungrateful feeling. Whenever I get depressed, I have to force myself to write down all the things impossibly can be denied to appreciate for. I had learnt the impact of being thankful when you decide to take it. Gratitude is all about your attitude, how do you perceive and react upon what happens in your life. Not everything that you can deliberately control. You're not god which has unstoppably control upon everything. You as human being just have to rely on Him, put thorough trust on Him, let His blessings and bounties come to you, protect and shield you, it is 'barakah' that we should always hope to have. 

I realized that I'll typically start off complaining when I saw what people have undelibrately, I'm being tried to overlook them then wishing it if I become that or those people, I might be happy. 

I would start off ranting about what I didn't have and start to point them out, even at the end I will compare my life with the luxurious things people have. And I will be more shallow, then of course it just double down your condition getting bad. You have to stop this game!

Here's what I'm gonna do:

In every ungratitude comes up, I have to recognize that it's just a feeling, you don't need to come along with attitude. Stop it then go to my blog and start to write down all the things you should appreciate more such as water and air are still available for me. So that by saying that, you'll get ttriggered to appreciate more automatically. I always compare between what I don't have and people have. 

It is fine, dude. Life is not comparison. Life is just about competing to have better afterlife. The best preparation for that is nothing other then struggling to be righteous person or muttaqiin. 

Tomorrow is fryday. I will start my morning with dzikir or remembrance of Allah. Of course in the transliteration of dzikir, there also contains about gratitude such as all praises to Allah who created heaven and earth by His will. 

Then around 10, I will do exercise. 

I also want to read the history of Rasulullah, memorizing quran. 

Being Grateful

I'm so grateful about what I've got by far. Water, place to abide, money to purchase food, still able to do fasting, get to know some friends, the access of Internet, the fresh air, my eyes still work, my legs so I can walk with it, the bed so I can take rest with, the clothes, I still have phone, I can speak English, I know how to read quran, I'm a straight men, I'm so grateful to Allah, knowing that I have the power or electric energy. I'm grateful I'm able to use the closet. Alhamdulillah for quran was sent down so we can take lessons with that. Alhamdulillah my parents still healthy and alive. Alhamdulillah everything that He had given to me. Alhamdulillah I can settle in this place as well as learn things more. Alhamdulillah for everything. I'm really thankful to Allah, in fact that I'm alive and get better in any aspect. I'm grateful for well function of my fingers so I can use them to type words in the screen while putting my ideas to spill. I really thank to Allah, I had come to know that keeping the beard grows is part of the sunnah, so I grow that up. I'm grateful for everything Allah has given me. I'm thankful for all the things what Allah gave to me. I'm grateful I have had income Rp. 20.000 a day. I'm thankful to Allah for all the things he provide upon me. I thank to Allah that I had quit music. I'm so grateful to Allah knowing that I had memorized quran for 1,5 juz by far. I'm really grateful to Allah my body gets healthy. I'm so grateful to Allah that I become patient to deal with any peoblem. I'm so grateful to Allah by knowing that gratitude is really necessary. I'm thankful to Allah and pray to Him, hope I can be a grateful person whenever and wherever I am. 

Being grateful all the time. 

The Blessings of Allah Never Gets Faded.

I'm grateful to Allah for having life and healthiness. Knowing that may organs' function still work. 

I'm thankful to Allah until right now I'm still able to live in a rent place along so I had already paid it out for this month.

I'm grateful to Allah, I still have water to take shower, it comes along with foods I had consumed, the access of Internet, going out to the mosque to perform Taraweeh, able to do fasting this month of Ramadan, getting out of destructive job, having time to read quran and learn about self-improvement.

I'm thankful to Allah, I had known about manhaj salaf, prophetic tradition, little bit of Rasulullah's journey. 

I'm grateful to Allah, I'm still able to purchase foods and water so I can have snacking time. 

I'm thankful to Allah that I had invested Rp. 200.000 to get 20.000 a day. 

I'm thankful to Allah I still have the bed to take a sleep. 

I'm grateful to Allah for everything He had given me. 

I really thank to Allah, I lived in a silent place, so I can be more focused when I learn something. 

I really appreciate upon Allah, I get away from Zina or drinking Khamar. 

I thankfully appreciate to Allah that I'm not surrounded by the wrongdoers. 

I thank to Allah because whenever I get depressed, I never conclude to do suicide like what else did. 

I'm thankful to Allah, I never give up to learn and always being optimistic about life. 

I'm grateful to Allah for all the things that I had accomplished by far. 

I'm thankful to Allah for everything He has done to me. 

I'm grateful to Allah, I still have Clothes that I can wear whenever I go. 

I thank to Allah for Everything He had Given to me

I'm thankful and fully grateful to Allah for everything that He given to me, if I have to count on His bounties it would be countless. I thank to Allah for water and air without these unrealized necessities we will die. I thank to Allah that I still have a place to live, take a rest, relax and calm down when rain falls down or when the sun strike right on a peak. I gratefully thank to Allah because of Him I can leave out my boring job, working for 12 hours, meaningless, it's also not aligned with my principle, a lot of cheats and lying, a lot of transgression and depresses.

I thank to Allah for Internet Access which by this I'm able to learn everything I need. I'm also grateful to Allah that right now I understand English better. I'm grateful to Allah for Knowing manhaj salaf. I'm thankful that I'm a real men, because people in out there get infected by Transgressive things such as Gay Community.

I really thank to Allah, because of Him I'm still survived even until right now. I thank to Allah, my parents still alive. I thank to Allah that I'm not like my friend. I'm grateful because my purpose really objective. I'm gratefully thank to Allah that my purpose still aligned with my religion and Allah's commandment. 

I'm grateful to Allah for everything that He had given to me. 

There's no excuse to not be grateful all the time. 

Respiritualizing

What am I good at? This question is timeless. It's tirelessly coming up in my mind, which I don't even know how should I react upon this. As I concerned by far, I'm happy whenever I have a dialogue or sharing knowledge to others, furthermore if I'm being the elephant in the room. 

I've been here about a month, and this is headed to two month. I had paid out the rent house for this month, and I don't know what I'm gonna do to pay for the next. I'm still in unemployment. I don't have income yet. Even back then I joined with my friend. He needs a partner to sell out snacks. I've once participated, I had taken my turn because we run this business respectively, concerning my friend, he's also being active in a Masaajid (being organizer), particularly during Ramadhan he'll get busy for sure. 

So, back then I tried to offer Snacks in a crowded spot. People walking around, some of them going back and forth just passing me by. The goods are sold out. I had learnt and come to know that selling snacks in the crowded place is very convincing. Because way before I join him in this business, I've also once been selling mask around the busway transit but no one buy anything from me. That's why when I had a try to sell this product, now I get it that Foods is legit to sell in the buzzes. 

I don't realize soon we'll get into Ramadhan. It's the time to purify our heart and return to Allah. Me too, I'm just willing to maintain my night and shubuh prayer. It's been along time I lost and get late these two things, even I know the cause I would say the biggest cause, it's none other than staying late at night, talking to opposite gender (non mahram) and I'll get up late. That's why I really want to end up this biggest game. Going back to the centre, muslim just has to do what muslim has to do, with no exception. I just want to get blessing of Allah. May Allah put all of His barakah in every day I get through, ameen. 

Actually, I really want to be a quran memorizor. I want to complete memorizing for 30 juz. And I also want to improve my Islamic Knowledge and the quality of my life as a muslim. I heard a lecture of Nouman Alikhan, he said that as a muslim we have to start becoming a morning person. And again it's all about qiyaamullaiil baby. 

Insya Allah, this Ramadhan I would put myself in any of my best. Pondering upon auran as often possible as I can. Leaving all the bad that muslim exactly should. Being more obedient to Allah. Taking Duruus. Applying Islamic knowledge in your daily life. 

Oo ya, one more thing. Today I met Elsa again in free4talk. She's asking about how I'm doing. We struck up by a little bit conversation. She did apologize about the decision that she made. And I said to her that I respect upon that, just no worry. But I'm not content because this is a good chance I'm able to speak to her, so I slip some of the questions such as what's the reason behind of that, I mean the decision? Then she responded that she's just afraid if I would depend on her and so did she. So that she decided to break the intensity between us. And I said, what's the point? Because and again we still end up using free4talk then mixing up with the opposite gender? Then she didn't give me any reaponse. 

Probably I have to more focus on my purpose from now on. Get myself away from unimportant thing. 

My Supplication

I was on the big dilemma regarding either should I go home or staying here. If I keep staying up here, means I gotta make living meanwhile I found myself really hard to make living. I kind of worried if staying up here just get you more bad, because however you live in a rent house, you have take it into account just paying it out for monthly. 

But I also felt reluctant when I come along with decisive idea to home, probably when I get in my land, it could be possibly humiliating me, you know what I mean, I can't tackle what people would think about me, concerning I'm not married yet while I'm also older, broke, the more bullying it would be. 

If Allah bless me to have a new job here, I'm so happy. In my home town, I could be hard to practice my Islamic principles such as following sunnah in any practical worship, because in there it's fully filling up by Innovation (Bid'ah). That's why I asked Allah, may He bless me to have a job so I can survive, I want to continue my journey, memorizing the quran, learn more about Islam, being a writer, doing dawaah and etc.

I can't imagine if I have to mingle with some people who do Innovation in worship. I don't know if one day I gotta attend the event of reciting suurah yaasiin in every time someone dies. Because this kind of the real deviation that we should beware as muslim, we're not going to tolerate in anything then we just stand for nothing. 

So this is my duaa (supplication) to Allah. O Allah, if You bless me by giving me a new job in order I can survive to keep staying up here, I'm so happy. I promised You that I'm going to dawaah in free4talk.com, calling people you the way of Yours, I'm gonna argue them in any of best. I promised You. 

But if You decree another scenario even I end up living in my mom's home, it also worthy to appreciate because you're Al-'aliim (The All Knowing). I fear if I will get contaminated, so I kept asking You just put me here please. I promised You, I'm gonna do dawaah. I would start off tomorrow. I'd promised.

I'm studying Arabic right now. I'm going to start with comprehensible input, I'm gonna read for a minute, then try to paraphrase what I had read. The benefit of reading, it's the title that I had picked up. 

The first line just showcase كيف يمكن الاستفادة من القراءة الكتوب, if I should've put this sentence in my hypothetical thinking, it could be 'what's the benefit of reading books'. Let's see. 

Nice guess! But it's not the meaning though. It's barely precise. It turns out, 'how can you benefit from reading books?' that's it. Hhahha.. Alright, carry on,

Alright, I think I have to stop using this way. I gotta read this article completely. See you.

I had set up my schedule. I put a lot of activity to be done. Reading quran, general books and Islamic ebooks, exercise, watching podcast. Insya Allah I will start off tomorrow. I'll look up to my journal whenever I feel lost. 

I also put on that list, a time to think about the money, career, my business, basically all the opportunity that I possibly can execute in short term so I can right away just have Income. I pursue to be align with some of my I interests. It's wasteful just focus on money but you don't have any value. I don't want to get back to that hole. I think it's just enough I had suffered in copy shop that I had worked in back then, and now the time to make revolution.

I have watched Hamza Tzortzis, he's really amazing. He got invited by Freshly Grounded, one of Islamic podcast in UK. Hamza Tzortzis had addressed lots of thigs. One of the most important that he come up along with, it Is about being humble when you're giving dawaah. 

He said that people sometimes didn't realize, to ensure people about the existence of Allah, doesn't need to keep sticking up by proving in science. It doesn't mean when you crafted science then you're capable enough to give a huge evidence in order get people amazed and they would accept Islam. 

It is a huge fallacies. Especially in nowadays, people being active on a dawaah but they're not trying to call others in the way which any of best. 

It's really funny sometimes I worried about my English, what!!! Are you crazy! How come that happen? I don't know for sure the exact reason of this, even I used to ensure people, just don't worry about their English, because as long you can understand people and so did people to you, that's enough. 

Back then some people that talk with, they always complain how do they speak unclearly. And most of the time the jargon question like this, how do I learn in order acquire such a perfect accent? And I always suggest them to go watching lots of videos, but the content or videos they would've consumed should be compelling. That's what Stephen Krashen said. 

Probably you get wondered who Stephen Krashen is. Dr Stepen Krashen is one of the most influential professor in linguistic and in nowadays he's really active alongside Polyglot community. He offered his renowned theory, it's called comprehensible input, he said that we all learn language through the same way, which is when we undestand the message. Regardless of pro and cons against this theory, but it could be also lots of testimonials, those who admit this theory proven! 

I also take it this theory to strengthen my English, After knowing the approval of this theory, so I spent a lot of time consuming English contents either watching or reading, I just double down both of this then I felt like I had improved a lot. 

Back to the problem. Every time I joined to speaking group then start off having conversation with others, I always stuck up with my old words. I was like I don't come along with some of the new things that I had been through. I really want to put some new words to my conversation whenever I have, but Damon it's hard. 

Probably paraphrasing is certainly taking a time. It's not as easy as you can think of. Fine, 

From now on, I just have to mange my time,  set up for reading, writing, paraphrasing, speaking, listening, looking for some Income sources. 

Feeling bad is just part of life. And it would be attached to us once upon a time. Don't worry, manage your time!!!

Tadabbur

Every time I read the quran, I always wish that I can read the meaning meticulously. Pondering upon the quran and try to relate some of ayah with the reality of life. I think syaitan had backed me up. I get tempted by them. My imagination getting wild and it's hard to get controlled. I don't know why this easily come up to me when I read the meaning of the quran, as if I never feel content. 

But I used to read the standard meaning, it's not tafseer, it's a standard quran translation in my native tongue. While I'm memorizing as well as stick up with the meaning on it, and my understanding was really good. I can connect with some of the verses. 

Struggling For Good Life

I'm still confused and thinking how to be success in this dunya and the hereafter. If I asked some of daees,  they tend to relate it into hadits of the prophet Muhammad Sallallaahu Alaihi Wasallam, he said that if you chase Sonya, then only Sonya you would get. But if you chase Akhirah, then dunya would included. 

But honestly, back then I used think that I gotta start prioritize Akhirat from now on. Then I've once become a diligent and full of eager in seeking Islamic knowledge. I'm being good to my parents. I started to text some relatives, just offering that I want to be helpful. 

Not only that, I also start to give them some money, even that much but I'm really sacrificing. I remember when I had contacted with my foster sister, I offer money if she needed. When she said, ya, I right away gave it to her. But afte,rwards, let's just guess I was suffered!

I looked into my bank account and found out I got nothing money left, I'm depressed. By chance in that case I'm still working in the field I hated so much. The problem is not the money that I give away, but I can't deal with the situation that I didn't feel home anymore. 

I had been working at Photocopy and Digital Printing for more 3 years. I gotta work for 12 hours a day. I only have one day-off, which is once a week. I burned out. Every day just complain, ungrateful, feeling bad, frustrated until the end I take a resign.

Now I'm living in a rent house charged for 500.000 rupiahs per month. I'm almost a month here (3 weeks) and I didn't see any progress yet, I still figure out how to make living. 

I got a lot of plan such as starting off selling products, applying new jobs, being an English tutor, concerning I really love public speaking, writing, storytelling and so on. I'm gonna have a try. Insya Allah.

Self Awareness

Why I'm so addicted to writing?. I'm writing down about my day. Everything I had thought about, I just pour out into my blog. Sometimes I wrote down about conversation that I had made with someone. Or I often write about someone that I was attracted with. 

when I get frustrated, I'm about to take it into my writing. And it's like detox, because it might be some bloks, or feeling bad that's you just know, you hold it back not to tell to anyone else, then when you're writing it could be the best time to communicate with yourself.

Even I'm still confused, not only focus on my structure, how my story is, is it good idea or not, instead I'm more concerned about what kind of font that I should use. I love Times New Roman and Georgia. It's compelling, and every time I use it, the more happy I would be. 

Times and Georgia are little bit resemble to one another. Georgia is slightly fatter than Times, and Times look petite and tiny. Who would've thought, Times is one of formal font, it's barely used in official corporate. Especially in writing letter as well as in University, when students' ahead to the final, such as writing Thesis. Times' always there. 

I think I really persue to be good at writing and having career as a writer. I love it so much. May be in later on I could've written a book. Writing my experience about learning English, and people can make it as a reference. Or I could write about Islamic thing based on my capacity. I don't know, just let's see.

Return to Allah

Stop being "Bucin". Bucin is a term in Indonesia. Indonesian used this term, refers to someone either men or women, when they love someone else excessively, as if when you mesmerize, admire that person so much. You don't want to hurt or did such as conflict, you're also further being vulnerable to get doomed or utilized cause basically you lost your sense of rationality.

And I was on that moment sometimes. Especially in nowadays, I lost contact with someone who I really close with, the apposite gender, even more than friend. We met in free4talk.com. We get to know to one another. We had shared some of the things kind of personal. Including our own picture, even though we just get in touch remotely, but we devoted to make everything fine.

And now, we're being separate, almost never have deep talk like it used to be. Kind of sad honestly. But it is. It is the life. I had learnt from this, that dating always destroy you at the end. It might be the wisdom behind of what Allah said in the Quran "don't ever get closed to zina!" and it is real. Now I felt like that I was so attached to her, and when I have to face the reality that we're not even mahram, I'm not ready. I'm just shallow. 

But recently I met some of my friends, they really care about religion. They're really enthusiastic upon the haq or truth. We struck up by conversation and talk about married life in Islamic perspective. 

We come across some of the interesting things. One of them is a girl and I'm sure she's really into feminism of ideology, she stick up with it. When I tried to tell her about an ayah of the quran "women is the garment of men, and so was men for women", she got shocked. She's surrounded by people who had been broken married life. She got some of traumas and huge trauma may be. 

She asked me, why getting married is necessary? And I was like, it's what Rasulullah told us to do. And we have to obey him. Then she goes, what if someone just hold back to not get married but can handle and protect him or herself, is it ok? I kept saying that it's not even ok. I emphasized, it's impossible for any human being without having any partner in this life. 

Sooner after that, another one, male, just take over and try to explain to her of his own. He agreed with my point, so that he strengthen my argument that I had established. And I saw the girl's reaction, little bit freezing and many times she muttered "Astaghfirullah" and I'm so relief! I understand we can't not simplified some of others' problem cause what the had bee through, it could be different than us. Some people sometimes really need time to deal and being open to other's perspective, that's why Allah told us, "Argue them with any of".

Alright here's what I learned, I'm gonna return to Allah and striving to learn Islam seriously as well as implemented in my dailyb life. This dunya is just a play and temporary, we're not gonna live here externally, till we come to the end of our time then we're gonna go to the hereafter. There indeed we're the best destination. 

I really love writing. I think it is my gift. I love this so much. I'm not bored. I'm really expressing myself thoroughly. I really communicate with my feeling. It's like all the words that had put in, that's some problem that I tried to cast aside. One day I'm trying to write a book. Insya Allah. 

Ecuador, especially in Quilti if I'm not mistaken, there's a practical magic, or a sacred thing of performing such a therapy. Basically a therapist is different than others in the rest. These therapists try to combine their performance with magical thing by using some stinging herbs or nettles. 

It looks a simply treatment such as rubbing and scrubbing that nettles over the patient's naked body. Even a lot of confession from patients who've ever done this before, that when a therapist rubbed the stinging nettles over their body, they feel their body buzzed up in a prickly strong sensation. Welts often popped up in angry red streak. 

They believe this ritual could solve a lot of problem. People believe it can be used to unblock someone's aura.

Elsa

I had texted her a message. I said that I do apologize about everything I had done, and probably the wrong thing that I didn't realize. Cause with having no excuse she gets away from me which I don't even know what the cause is. 

I'm still wondering, cause in fact it really bothered me. Every night I had been over thinking upon this. Is this problem? Of course, it is. She means a lot in my life. If she found out a new one, I would say Khalas. It's her choice. If she's happy, so am I. But I need clarity. At least she told me in advance. 

Welts popped up over my mind. It's like an angry red streak. I'm shallow. I missed her so much. I missed the moment where we're spent staying late at every night. I don't know if I can forget her. It's really hit me so bad. 

What's wrong with me????

Elsa

I had unblocked her contact, Elsa. But I'm gonna take all the things that will be happened, cause however she had given me such a huge impact through my life. She supported. She respected. She gave me a book. While I have to feel enough without have reciprocation, or even expected more. Conserning we're not mahram. For sure, we have to have boundary. 

It's just for temporary. I'm sure she doesn't hate me. What's the reason for? Probably once upon a time, she would text me back. 

Striving and Struggling to Dig Up Who You Really Are

I'm aware that I'm good at story telling. I'm aware that I'm good at singing. And I realized that I'm also great at writing. I want to myself know and affirm about how amazing you are. You're created by Allah as you are. You are so unique and distinctive. And why you have to be shallow?

Anyway I really hate this font. Neither it's Times New Roman nor Georgia, which both of them I was favorable with. Every time I'm getting into Blogger, I used to use one of these fonts respectively. But it's ok, I'm going to have a try this font out. 

Back to the topic. So that's exactly what I'm still looking for. I want to give my best in this life. It's not because I'm not thankful what I'm in now. Rather, if I have something good to do, not only that, but I can give more benefits for people,  giving huge impact upon people's life, it is amazing. "The best among you, those who give more benefits upon others!", as prophet Muhammad Sallallaahu 'Alaihi Wasallam told us. 

I got a lot of plan. Some of things that I had planned for a long time, now I've done it. Including I had quit my current job and move out to rent house while I had started off from scratch. 

Back then I had dreamt about being a good public speaker. I always think if one day I really give a speech on the stage, either Religious Discourse or General Topic, I must be happy. As well as I always dream about being a good sales men, who's able to sell any product to the clients. Or I've ever thought to become a good Quran recitor. 

By saying that, actually my plan is absolutely clear. But again when I come into going attain all of them, I'm not confident enough that I can do it. I doubted myself by pessimism. I confused myself creating some of invisible traumas, I brought up some of them into the time being, and at the end I didn't ever shift away.

I don't know if I really had impact since I was kid, regarding I'm coming from a broken home family. My mom and dad divorced. The I was end up taken away by the ex my dad's employees. They're a couple, husband and wife. So they brought me up to their home-land, while I tried to adjust with kind of New environment, till I realized I felt home in there. 

I decided to move in there, living there make my own home. So I tell my dad that I would stay there for longer. My dad said to me that I can. He promised, he will pay for any of my bill, however I'm living with non-relative and my dad should be taking into account. 

So I had moved in to that land. I had so much friends. I really love that village. Tea tree is rampant around. Poddy Rice was scattered alongside wood greeny. I remember my favorable spot is river with plan water. You can guess! Ya, I'm swimming as always. Fishing. Me and my friends explore the village through small way of poddy field. We flocked walking around, going down the river, and when we get there, we straight away jumped down to the stream of the river. That's so fun, even just to tell..

I'm going to tell you briefly about what happened next. Basically, I was raised up in my foster family till I get teenage, about secondary school. But everything's changed. Since my dad's company collapsed right before I come up to secondary school, my dad stopped, not filling up my expenses. At the and my foster parent said that it's ok, as far as they concerned I was considered as their own son, I'm being a part of their family. They told they love me, no problem.

Times went by, and I become teenager. My trait and attitude look different, that could be align with my time of puberty. I'm lazy to get instructed and defend to get ruled. I'm really objecting their advice. I felt like I'm a real son of them. Until to the point I fought with some of family's member, and they end up said to me, you're not part of this family, you should be more aware of yourself. 

From that time on I realized, damn! It's that true. I'm nothing more than a stranger who coming by for begging a drink of water till the right time that I gotta go. Since that moment I'm being more aware, I always talk to myself, that I had lost of myself-belonging!

Reset The purpose of Life

Now I promise, I swear by Allah. Wallaahi, Billaahi, Tallaahi, I would struggle and strive to learn my religion totally as well as internalize to my life. I'm done with the endless distraction which come up along with justification, make you lowered in your devotion, dedication in Obeying Allah. 

Not by chance Allah chose me to stick up with some of Islamic principles, cause in fact I always hold back when come into shaving the beard, I talk to myself, "This is sunnah, it's impossible to cut off!". Look, I still grasp some of those things, but what about committing zina? I'm still on that way. I'm unmarried person, so that I always make justification which is ok to doing this cause you don't have any partner. I had allowed myself to do dating with non-mahram, but the haq would always be haq that dating is part of Adultery, which is prohibited in Islam.

Honestly I had made plan in long time ago. I panned to do dawaah, learning Arabic, being Hifdz, teaching Quran, teaching kids about Aqeedah, go married, raise children and etc.

However, I always get distracted for some many ways. Sometimes I'm being lonely and need girl to accompany me, sharing about life, chattering, confide something to one another. I always feel alone when I separate myself with 'dating', even deep down in my heart I know that's not right for muslim.

I've once told a girl who I got closed with by saying, "Hi, I think we gotta end up this intensity, cause I don't think we're in a proper way". The girl said, "Up to you, however it really hit me so bad! But it's ok, I respect your choice". And I was like, it is the sad moment. But after several days, I broke up up that decision, and start to text her anymore. 

I was so complicated. I realized that I was suffered in loneliness for a really long time. I want to get married, and of course my age was ideal to have a wife. My desire sometimes unstoppable, I had to watch pornography and Masturbating. And I would feel bad about myself.

Now, I really want to return to Allah, being Tawakkul, seeking His guidance to live in this world life in order to get save in the here after as well. I gotta read Quran in my daily basis, reading Sirah of Prophet Muhammad may Allah peace be upon him, learn about Susannah and so on.

I gotta live in accordance to Alquran and Sunnah. How do you interact with people, how do you worship Allah, how do you treat your parent, how do you do good deed to your siblings or relative, how do you set up yourself or positioning yourself as an 'abd of Allah. I would learn from now on. I promise, insya Allah. 

And I also have to make my intention fully straight forward, not because there's someone in out there who I aim for, or something had guaranteed me in wellbeing, instead every action that you put in, all should be for the sake of Allah. 

I had reset my purpose, this all was nothing more than prioritize Allah, worship Him, obey Him, seeking out His guidance, and doing as much as possible all the things what Rasulullah had exemplified. 

Insya Allah

She Ignored Me

My feeling today, it's like I'm little bit relax and ease. I woke up early, do shubh prayer. Then I read a book, then I went into exercise, when I finished I go to take a shower.

I also come up to free4talk to get in touch with some of online friends, we had practiced our English, sharing kind of useful staff. 

I used to be active in free4talk, especially when I first joined this platform, I'm little bit addicted to it. I got a lot of friends who same interest with me. Sometimes I got closed to some of girls in there. It's really nice cause when you date someone who has the same hobby with you, so the conversation would be like refers go flow smoothly.

As I told you in a previous post, I met Elsa, a beautiful introverted girl, she's quite shy sometimes to express about herself. I really attracted to her, she had sent me some of her pictures. And I'll be honest that she's really is. Beautifully in my criteria. 

From that moment, We intensely have conversation, it's almost every night. We're staying late at night together. We laugh, share, telling stories, we share I identity to one after another, and that's the most beautiful moment that I've ever had in my life. 

But now, she's holding back herself. She doesn't want talk to me anymore. I don't know what happened, it might be I was doing some mistakes, even when I asked her, she told me that everything is fine. 

I got nothing to do.

Anxiety, I'm worry about what future would like

Today, I had exercised 2 times. When I woke up around 8, I get up right away and doing outnumbered Push Up, Scott Jump and so on. And afterwards, I went to the bathroom then taking a shower.

I go ahead Reading ebook about copywriting. I'm still wondering how to make sales-offers on social media, cause every time I posted an offer, it was like not interesting enough to get paid attention. Even I'm recurrently read by my own, but damn, it's so wary!

Now, I little bit get the point of copywriting. So basically it's all about attracting your clients' attention, then you have to outline the purpose with some of techniques, dynamic ways I would say, so clients won't feel that they got spam when they check out your business offering.

If you write copy for Landing Page, it would be way different than writing for Email. I had just come up with this idea, then can't wait what would happen in the next chapters. It could be possible after reading that book thoroughly, I can start my own selling. 

I gotta make money to fill up my needy or daily expenses, pay rent house, and I'm also responsible for my mom. She's living alone without any income alongside with her, and I used to fill out her needs, but now since I become unemployed, I don't do anything for her. 

My mom actually doesn't want me to quit my current job. My mom knows if quit from my job then I would be suffered in jobless time. But I told her that I'm not feeling home anymore. I got depressed and anxious. Full of complaints. And she understood. She lets me to do what I want, then leave my job.

Now I've been 3 weeks staying in rent house. I don't make money yet. Neither getting new job nor I go to sell some products then make up even, I sometimes doubt about my decision to quit the Job that I had working for. 

But honestly in other hand, I'm enjoyed with my freedom. I can read some books, wire my journey on the blogger.com, listening podcast. It's just one thing that I'm worried about, if I'm not making living as soon, then I can't live in here anymore. 

It was 1:58 am. I would sleep now. Thanks if you read my writing-blog, and feel free to comment below. 

I Met Her Again

I'm trying to reach her back. I'm returned. From now on, there's such a shallow. I gotta be positive and happy, till she get closed back to me, I would not be silly anymore. I had tested being alone is way dangerous even you stick up with Strict Religion. I'm experienced this, and I think we really need a friend. Like what renowned speakers like Jordan Peterson said, that we're social animals. We need to interact to one another. 

And, wait, lets just guess what happened. Currently I had met her in that platform, she's so cold, her reaction's so strange, it's like she's not the one I had known well. She became a strange as if she never acknowledge me. I don't know what's going on. Or might be she's bored. Or she's met someone else. 

But as it is, if she's really in that case, I can't hold her back, which is just let her go. What's the point of pursuing someone who don't want to get along with you anymore. What's the importance of begging, ya, keep begging upon someone who's not desired up in you back. By knowing that I'm not useful enough. She's disgusting maybe. 

But kept being optimistic, if she's out of some of life principles that I stand for, and then she's not for me, it's simple. But whatsoever happens, there's no such Loneliness, spoiling myself by being shallow, instead you have to double down your optimism. Being optimistic for everything. It's also being optimistic to beg forgiveness of Allah.

But I know her. She's a good person. It's not possibly going to happen. She's just bored or disappointed at me. She's just jealous, cause I interacted with so many girls on that platform. She's just give me a sanction that she really love and care about me. It's she really is.

I'm optimistic about life from now on. I'm going to be a good tutor, teacher, motivator, a well coach. I'm going to give my best insya Allah. 

IKIGAI (The Reason for Being)

 I'm little bit scared of being unemployed for over two weeks. Since I resigned from my current job, I got a lot of spare time. I always read books and articles, watching motivational videos, learning how to sell, study more about my religion so and so on. But it's still not coping my anxiety. I worried if I can't survive on the rent house I lived in. I'm being over thinker kind of crazy.

I'm so obsessed to generate money online. I learn how to sell on social media, how to make a good copy-writing, how to get more traffics and leads, and how to get more sales and closing. But I don't know, it's kind of feel reluctant when come into practice and implementation. And it's like a bullshit that you're knowledgeable at selling but you're zero at practicality. That's my week.

From now on, I gotta more disciplined, have huge commitment, stick with personal branding. I've decided I want to more dedicate upon motivating, teaching, selling, helping. I'm still looking for how do I combine all this things into Unity. I want to have good career, well get paid, but I don't lose my values.

I learn IKIGAI last night. It's a term from Japanese (The Reason for Being). It consists of :

1. The things what you love
2. The things you're good at
3. The things that pay well
4. The things what world needed

Probably you guys start off to thinking, that all of this, nothing more than sustain your value in this life. For instance, I love helping, but helping itself is not something that you can get paid well. Or might be you love teaching, but it's not what you're good at. Or you may be good at programming but it's not something you love, that could be even worst. That's why I'm trying to integrate all this things until become holistic, dynamic, and align with me as a human being.

If you guys have experience about Ikigai, it feels free to share.

How to stop Masturbation

I'had been addicted to pornography for a long time. It's started when I was in the middle school, and it's my Puberty. From that time I could get some part of physical women really give me reactions. And I can't handle that. I used to imagine and put them into Atmosphere. My brain full of the sensually of women body. 

Not long after that, I heard people talked about Masturbation or doing Fap. And I was wondering what that is. I figure out by asking some of friends, and someone told me that it's like unleashing your sexual desire without any partner (doing by yourself). And the more this told quite often, the more wonder I would've been. And at the end of the day, I'm so addicted to it. 

From that time on, I was always doing that. Even whenever I break the class, I would've right away been home, done that and went back to school to finish my class. It's really recurring until being my habit. Even one day, I had done that while afterwards I gotta take my exercise class. t's really crazy!

This habit kept going until I got mature. I had been grown with Awkwardness and Unenergetic person. I was being an over thinker. I'm being pessimistic. Sometimes my friend said to me that I looked like so exhausted, fatigue, tired, I was like that I don't have eager to live. And for many times I defended myself, that I'm smart, energetic, competitive and so on. Sometimes I told them I'm good at that and this. But in fact nothing more than I'm pessimistic.

I can't deny the impact of being addicted to pornography is really huge. Many researches proved that this addiction, way more dangerous even than the drug's addict. Then by knowing this align with suffering that I feel, I decided to stop. It's like going back and forth. I felt hard to sustain, I had reached out several months but at the end I relapsed. And now I've been almost 3 months in novap without relapsing, even sometimes I got triggered to get back to the same trap. That would've been at the same trap, Watching movie that contains with some scenes of Intimate relationship, then I will stumble myself upon that little bit long, and sooner after I'd go to porn-site then relapsed. But now instead of doing that, I could slightly handle by saying "Remember, Sexual Intimacy is not something you should manipulate without any partner in your life. It should've been in natural approach, cause whatsoever Allah has created desire to place on the right way".

Well in my opinion, if we want to quit masturbating habit, we have to cut off all the things that possibly you to do that, such a porn videos, sensual images, Intimate scenes on movies and etc.

It's First Time I Heard About Groove

 Last night, I stumbled upon watching a video in Youtube, a guy shared about how to make online money by being a Groove member. 

Groove is a platform which provides us some products that we can resell to the client, basically it is a platform for Resellers to find some products to sell. Not only provides products to sell, Groove also bundles their features with tons of Video Tutorials you can get for free. Everything's free! This is the best platform for Resellers by far. 

So, the guy just told that you should've joined by using his referral link, honestly I got bias when he led to his link, cause I get it, he could get benefit of that. But I'm holding back to not leaning on my prejudice extremely, however, he deserved though hence he really informed the beneficial thing. 

So I signed u by using his referral, I fill out some of registered forms completely. Including Email till User Name and Password. It's not longer though. It had taken around 2 minutes and your membership had been approved.

When I had signed up, I right away signed in, and I was carried out to fist page of that platform, I saw a video tutorial straight away explained how do you use and get to know about some of functions of its features, briefly.. I even can't Cath up by watching just a once. I think I gotta watch this tutorial recurrently. But I'm able to deduce how it will work. So basically the distinction in from this platform is that you'll fed up and spoiled or indulged by many things. Mentoring session, Tools for marketing, and etc.

But the problem is I don't have a computer to run this out. I've entranced right into software page, and my phone doesn't support, I have to rent PC in Internet Cafe. 

Can't wait to do kind of new things, what kind of experiences you'll get from this. Would it be leading you into success????

Aright, I think this is my story about today. And if you guys have experience about being a Groove member, feel free to share on the chat box below...

See you

I'm About To Learn Copy Writing

 Right now, I'm about to learn how to do copy writing to promote my own product. This idea's coming from someone I had talked with in free4talk.com. For those of you who did not familiar with this site yet, free4talk.com is a platform or website which provides us to improve our speaking's skills in learning language. So the guy that I talked with said to me, I had to be better at copy writing in order you could make more sales. I told him that I'm really suck in my selling and I need him to tell me some of strategy of selling especially in online. Cause he told me in advance, that he's a paid-ads tutor and he's also been success, he had some of his clients.. 

I can't wait if this skill can change my life. Honestly, I swear to Allah if one day I make up, I'd absolutely like to step out of my house then starting to help people. Helping them to accomplish their goals. 

I think I'm gonna start off now. See you around!!!

I Just Think I Should've More Valued People As Much As I Can

 Hi, guys... I'm Fauzi. I'm a 28-years-old-guy. I'm also single. And currently I leave my job, now I become unemployed, anf I got nothing to do with my life. 

Lately I got eager to learn Marketing. So I came across some of marketing materials, I was watching marketing's lesson, reading some books, watching Podcast and ect.

Afterwards I decided to establish my Instagram account and also joined with a reseller provider, and from that time on I got some products even ready to sell. 

I thought that would be easiest as I think off. I always think, as you put some selling posts on your IG, while you've followed some people who align with your niche then you also get some follows-back from them, then your offers would be accepted.. But hell not, guys!

At the end of doing that, I stumbled upon a video and book stated, in nowadays selling should've been different than the old way, worn-out-way if you'd like to. Selling in the time being nothing more other than helping people to accomplish their goals in their life. And I was like,,,,,, damn!!! I started off thinking what product should I produce so I can serve people in out there? Or what kind of services that you should've given to people so you could've won in this particular field?

By knowing that fact, I should say, I gotta skill up myself more to be ready to serve people's need. . . 

And back then, I had read a book "Give and Take by Adam Grant" and the most thing he want to tell people about, that Helping would lead you to success!

This my story. If you have any comment to give, just put it down below, feel ree....

Nice to see you, guys!!!